So thankful for

1.  A bike ride (on my new bike, Snow) and brunch with only one lad. Drawing together, the time flew by.
2. The smell of roasting cherry tomatoes in the house.
3. Laundry is finally done.
4. A lovely husband bringing me my coffee just as I woke up.
5. Getting to read my book again last night, even if it was only two pages. Vegan Before 6 by Mark Bittmann.

A very smooth transition to the weekend and I can't help but think ahead to the time when I'm not working my fulltime job anymore. When time is mine to decide how to spend it. When the we'll have more of these smooth transitions, with some jagged times of course. More reading, more bike rides, more writing, more peacefulness and calm.

Throwing out those rules

It's time to re-invent, to think differently, to throw all of those assumptions I've made along the way that have cemented into facts in my brain become hardened 'facts' in my consciousness. Because all of society is something of a facade.  Popular culture - popular to whom? - is a mess of what we think that person, magazine or group of people thinks.

On Wild, staring each other down. This dragonfly doesn't care what my hair looks like!

Luckily I don't know what all of those other people are thinking - I just think I know what they're thinking. I put ideas in their heads and conversations. What I'm really doing is revealing my own fears and insecurities. And, unfortunately, there are still more weighing on me than I wish were present.


Those concerns I have for myself

• what I look like
• how I greet others
• what I say
• how I wish to live my life
• so many things...

All of these, I assume reflects as negatively in other people's minds when I have doubt. Doubt that I don't fit in. Doubt that someone won't like me. Doubt that someone will miscontrue my intentions. But I have to feel less responsible for how I think others will think. Damn, this is getting way confusing, but it makes rational sense for me. But in an irrational, I may be slightly crazy, kind of way.

Because, if each person truly thought all of the ideas and judgments that each of I put in their heads, those heads would explode in a Terry Gilliam show of fireworks, splattering grey-matter-goo everywhere.

Now is the time to be more mindful.  (Well, some would say, years ago was the time, but 'there is a season' and my season is now.) As long as I can stick with the Kurt Von. adage 'You've got to be kind', then that's all I need concern myself with. I also have to be kind to myself and release these assumptions I've built up based on facts and ideas whose origins have faded away. Living in this moment, I need only be the way I'd like to be.

a lapse in meditation / a meditation for lunch

For these last few months I've been reading up on meditation, different forms, by different groups, different outcomes, different approaches. It's been so eye opening. I felt like I'd read enough by various authors and dabbled to the point where I was ready to try give the daily practice a jingle.

Low, with July came our summer house project. The one week we had put aside for it (well nine days, we added the second weekend for follow-up) turned into one month. And we're still moving back in, slowly. Amidst the dust, living out of boxes and eating out too much, I had lost track of my meditation goals.

As luck would have it, garlic scapes are in full force in early-mid July and pesto is incredibly easy to make. And now it's been scientifically proven that, if you skip the bbq & fireworks on July 4th, you can make 5 full batches of garlic scape pesto to fill the freezer while listening to a WTF interview of Iggy Pop. And garlic scape pesto will always remind me of Iggy Pop now.

But I digress. That same pesto became one with my daily sandwich everyday I was home with hubby, sanding floors and painting walls. I pint of milky iced tea accompanied it. The chunky texture of scape pieces, richness added by the romano, the chewy bread and coolness of the iced tea. None of the experience went to waste. That daily lunch became my exercise in mindfulness.

After four hours of working in 95 degree heat, my focus only on the task at hand, a full stop to sit and enjoy the front porch and my same lunch. A few deep breaths, taking in the fresh shaded air, and I was ready for another four hours of labor.

Update: walls are all painted and floors are all sanded & sealed.

bike therapy

Alas, our aged cat of 16 years had to be put to sleep today after weird health hiccups in October and again in February. But today was her final day. After much joy with her, I had my bike ride home, knowing she'd be buried by the time I returned.

Knowing I had biked to work, my boss offered me a ride home, but you know, biking offers up the perfect opportunity to let those emotions flow everywhere:

1. It's ok to cry, it just looks like you got a bug in your eye. Both eyes.
2. The shaking body is from the intense workout... or is it?
3. Finally, going at your own pace, to reflect on years of companionship and the loss does wonders for thinking things through and remembering.

The nature of thoughts

I've seen this on a few tumblrs, etc. I don't want to forget it, so I'm re-posting the quote.

“I would argue that caring for your body in traditional ways- like eating a healthy diet, exercising, and taking your vitamins- may be the least important part of your health. (I know! Radical idea coming from a doctor!) This may sound shocking to you. After all, you’ve probably watched many other doctors get on television to tell you that your health is all about using food as medicine, getting enough exercise, and avoiding bad habits. I’m not suggesting that those aren’t great health-inducing behaviors. What I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter how great your diet is if your body is flooded with stress hormones! No amount of kale is going to counterbalance the toxic effects of high levels of cortisol and epinephrine on your body. So what’s the most important part of your health? The nature of your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. When your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are positive, relaxation responses are activated, healing hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, nitric oxide, and endorphins are released, and the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms are activated, allowing the body to do what it does best-heal itself.”

- Lissa Rankin, M.D

Easy or not?

Listening to a podcast, Elvis Mitchell's 'The Treatment' on my bike ride in today (cause I figure I can’t listen on my ride home since the rain will electrocute my brain if my iPod's running), I heard Richard Linklater utter a line that strung itself in silver sheathed in a cloud above my head: 

 

 “There is never an easy path.” 

And it’s true, so true, isn’t it? If you attempt the easy path to avoid what would have been more difficult (and potentially more satisfying), it catches up with you. Professionally, personally, emotionally, dirty dishes or laundry… so I’m trying to keep that in mind as we deal with the challenges that our lives present and try to allow myself to fully bask in the wonderful times as well. But is all a part of our journey we’ve put ourselves on.

And on that Buddhist note (yes, I am still reading my Buddhist meditation book), I’ll move along.

Getting it done

I'm in the beginning stages of learning about meditation. While there's no way I want to get sucked into Transcendental Meditation (which would be impossible anyway, when a series of sessions is a good $2500!!!), the book 'Transcendence' still has some wonderful material to cull from it.

So far, this simple sentence is what has struck me the deepest:

"If you want to get something done, you can't wait until you feel like doing it."

This resonates in my life, putting off projects because I'm not in the mood to work on it. Dishes pile up, laundry follows suit and I take care of those because they have a physical legacy: you can see the mess, people run out of bowls and underwear. So those chores area automatic.

But the projects that are closest to my heart: photography, learning to sew well, drawing with my children. learning music or foreign languages... these have no physical manifestations. It's easy to keep pushing those wonderful dreams aside because you can't see it pile up. I feel it piling up inside of me, these dreams and hopes, but it rarely feels urgent. It builds until I feel underwhelmed by my ability to create. Those artistic pursuits take time and attention and focus, so they are pushed aside since focus is so difficult in a 1000 square foot house with 4 people. There is so little time when we both work full time and still want to pay so much attention to the children. Plus the usual: appointments, meetings, soccer practices, etc.

So I have to take the plunge. Choose one thing to start: order a ukulele; make time to draw with the boys in our art journals; put handsewing projects together in a basket so they can be picked up at a moment's notice.  Starting small, accomplishing small feats and working for something.

And don't wait for the inspiration to do it, because it's in the doing of something that I become inspired.