Throwing out those rules

It's time to re-invent, to think differently, to throw all of those assumptions I've made along the way that have cemented into facts in my brain become hardened 'facts' in my consciousness. Because all of society is something of a facade.  Popular culture - popular to whom? - is a mess of what we think that person, magazine or group of people thinks.

On Wild, staring each other down. This dragonfly doesn't care what my hair looks like!

Luckily I don't know what all of those other people are thinking - I just think I know what they're thinking. I put ideas in their heads and conversations. What I'm really doing is revealing my own fears and insecurities. And, unfortunately, there are still more weighing on me than I wish were present.


Those concerns I have for myself

• what I look like
• how I greet others
• what I say
• how I wish to live my life
• so many things...

All of these, I assume reflects as negatively in other people's minds when I have doubt. Doubt that I don't fit in. Doubt that someone won't like me. Doubt that someone will miscontrue my intentions. But I have to feel less responsible for how I think others will think. Damn, this is getting way confusing, but it makes rational sense for me. But in an irrational, I may be slightly crazy, kind of way.

Because, if each person truly thought all of the ideas and judgments that each of I put in their heads, those heads would explode in a Terry Gilliam show of fireworks, splattering grey-matter-goo everywhere.

Now is the time to be more mindful.  (Well, some would say, years ago was the time, but 'there is a season' and my season is now.) As long as I can stick with the Kurt Von. adage 'You've got to be kind', then that's all I need concern myself with. I also have to be kind to myself and release these assumptions I've built up based on facts and ideas whose origins have faded away. Living in this moment, I need only be the way I'd like to be.

ideas for 2013

2013, you've got some nerve creeping up on me like that!

Now I have to be thoughtful and decide how I'd like to approach the next 365 days and beyond. How can I add some habits that make me stronger and that won't kill me?

1. Meditate daily. Even for a few minutes. A quiet morning thinking through the day ahead and peacefulness of the moment. Last to bed, alone, remembering the triumphs and defeats of the day.

2. More dancing with everyone, but especially with Dashiell. That kid's got the moves and loves to do anything! Huxley wants to, sometimes, and when he does, he kicks it too.

3. Read more of the same books as Huxley. Last year I read Hugo after he'd finished it. In passing conversation, we remarked on characters and plot. Yeah, my kid's eight and I'm having literary discussions with him. (PS: The Hobbit's on the docket, not because of the movie, but because he loves gnomes, so hobbits should intrigue his interest. And dragons.)

4. More greens. And growing them 'out of season' with a polytunnel starting in spring 2013. Salad greens, spinach, kale, chard, cilantro, and the other 4 types of crazy-ass greens I bought in seed form already.

5. Dammit saurkraut already. If I can poach an egg on the last day of 2012 after complaining about putting it off for months I can get to the making of the saurkraut. Even if it tastes awful, we're giving it a 'go' in 2013. EARLY 2013. Why, I just happen to have 2 cabbages in my fridge now!

6. More time for friends (game nights) and skyping with family across this way-too-huge country.

7. Cross country skiing at every available opportunity in winter. Sledding too.

8. Letting go and giving up on my to do lists when I have too much stuff going on. There is a season to business, there is a season to let it go. It can't possible all get done.  But do remember to meditate. Don't let that go.  That would be foolish.

9. Keep learning how to use this new Mac and put my photos on it so I can add photos to blog about.

10. Waste less food. Keep the kitchen and pantry organized. Store food better. Refresh those leftovers.

forgiveness

A new program is being installed at home here.

"I forgive you because..."

Two important factors contributed to this:

1. Earlier this evening my husband said something that wasn't meant to upset me - but it did.

I didn't want to be mad at him: the weekend just started, I began Gretchen Rubin's 'Happier at Home' and wanted to start applying those ideals.  I just didn't want to be mad, but I felt it welling up like an unwelcome cold. One of those automatic reactions, based on 'old' ways of being.

2. This afternoon, my husband cleaned out his truck and found a library book of mine that has been missing for two months. And it instantly occurred to me, he's just made me infinitely happy today! I've been clearing out the house all this time in search of something I'd given up on.

I can't be mad at him over something insignificant and unjustified. He's just made it possible for me to feel like a free patron when I walk into the library.  I no longer need to explain to the librarian why the book, 'Into the Unknown' has disappeared into the unknown.  (PS: Librarians love irony.)

As I was feeling myself being mad at Michael, but not really wanting to be mad at Michael I thought, I'd really like to forgive him. But that didn't feel like enough.  I felt the need to have a reason to no longer harbor the mad feelings.  (Not the most gracious, I realize. Needing a reason to stop being mad, but baby steps.)

So I said to myself, 'Michael, I forgive you for saying what you said (that upset me) because you found my missing library book today.' And I felt like I really could forgive him. Then I said it out loud to him, with a smile, because I felt unburdened and rather happy.

Wonderful, I'm going to try this out with my kids too. If they can find reasons to forgive one another's transgressions, how life changing could that be!