What to remember in 2014 and beyond!

You get out of it what you put into it.

You create your own happiness and contentment by looking through the right lens.

You have to do it to accomplish it!

Nobody's going to do this stuff for you, it won't ever get done unless you start it already!

A day off

It is very rare that I get a full day off from my desk job to be home, by myself, to chose what I do with my day.

My destiny for today has already been shaped by the actions of the last two days: today I have to finish painting the hallway and today I need to finish re-upholstering the dining chairs. My big project for the day is to make a serious dent in the basement, though. The basement, my lion that needs to be tamed. By making some organizational decisions about it (what goes to the Goodwill and what stays) I can make my creative space and share it with the lads. We will give ourselves more space (our home is under 1000 square feet for the 4 of us and our rabbit) to open our minds and make! Make! Make!

But first, a quiet egg & coffee breakfast and putting the chicken carcass on to boil for stock, making the house smell delicious!

So thankful for

1. Listening to the lads reading Shel Silverstein poetry out loud to one another before school on Friday. So much giggling.
2. Maple walnut ice cream. Oh that first bite was delicious.
3. Making Huxley so happy with the Lego Idea book from the library and delivering a sweet note to Dashiell in the heart pillow.
4. Watching our first 'live' soccer match: Smith College vs. U.S. Coast Guard. We only caught the last 7 minutes, but the 3 goals scored happened while we were there. Followed by a nonchalant picnic.
5. Our trip to the Shelburne Fals Trolley Museum. Always so lovely! And the lads got to pump the pump car with only the volunteer.
6.A very pleasant talk with a neighbor about relationships. Such wise words.
6. Comforting hugs and telling jokes to lighten an otherwise rough night.

A very rich day that could never be bought. Twas pure fun.

Throwing out those rules

It's time to re-invent, to think differently, to throw all of those assumptions I've made along the way that have cemented into facts in my brain become hardened 'facts' in my consciousness. Because all of society is something of a facade.  Popular culture - popular to whom? - is a mess of what we think that person, magazine or group of people thinks.

On Wild, staring each other down. This dragonfly doesn't care what my hair looks like!

Luckily I don't know what all of those other people are thinking - I just think I know what they're thinking. I put ideas in their heads and conversations. What I'm really doing is revealing my own fears and insecurities. And, unfortunately, there are still more weighing on me than I wish were present.


Those concerns I have for myself

• what I look like
• how I greet others
• what I say
• how I wish to live my life
• so many things...

All of these, I assume reflects as negatively in other people's minds when I have doubt. Doubt that I don't fit in. Doubt that someone won't like me. Doubt that someone will miscontrue my intentions. But I have to feel less responsible for how I think others will think. Damn, this is getting way confusing, but it makes rational sense for me. But in an irrational, I may be slightly crazy, kind of way.

Because, if each person truly thought all of the ideas and judgments that each of I put in their heads, those heads would explode in a Terry Gilliam show of fireworks, splattering grey-matter-goo everywhere.

Now is the time to be more mindful.  (Well, some would say, years ago was the time, but 'there is a season' and my season is now.) As long as I can stick with the Kurt Von. adage 'You've got to be kind', then that's all I need concern myself with. I also have to be kind to myself and release these assumptions I've built up based on facts and ideas whose origins have faded away. Living in this moment, I need only be the way I'd like to be.

The nature of thoughts

I've seen this on a few tumblrs, etc. I don't want to forget it, so I'm re-posting the quote.

“I would argue that caring for your body in traditional ways- like eating a healthy diet, exercising, and taking your vitamins- may be the least important part of your health. (I know! Radical idea coming from a doctor!) This may sound shocking to you. After all, you’ve probably watched many other doctors get on television to tell you that your health is all about using food as medicine, getting enough exercise, and avoiding bad habits. I’m not suggesting that those aren’t great health-inducing behaviors. What I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter how great your diet is if your body is flooded with stress hormones! No amount of kale is going to counterbalance the toxic effects of high levels of cortisol and epinephrine on your body. So what’s the most important part of your health? The nature of your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. When your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are positive, relaxation responses are activated, healing hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, nitric oxide, and endorphins are released, and the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms are activated, allowing the body to do what it does best-heal itself.”

- Lissa Rankin, M.D

family sunday

What a beautiful day it turned out to be.  The sun shining through the trees (sometimes), mushrooms galore, my husband in his grandfather's fedora.  You have to be stylish when you're exploring Bear Swamp for the first time!

The Ashfield Fall Festival was blueberry cobbler, running into Luna the Librarian, finishing the pulled pork sandwich, excavating a half dozen records from the tag sale (Tom Jones, Elvis, a Christmas album and Herb Albert - what a looker)!

Now we're home celebrating the boys' half birthdays with a collaborative chocolate pud and scrumptious fish tacos.  Uno's on the table - I won, but they keep playing despite the dessert being served up and on the table.  Oh, the game has been forfeited in favor of half-birthday-chocolate-pud.  Better go before someone eats my share!

working

Dear Self, No more bitching about work.  It's not your passion and everyone knows it.  You and M have scheduled an end date for it.  Yeah, it's not tomorrow, but it's a place.  In the meantime, don't waste your energy complaining about what can't be changed.  Instead make a plan to make the situation yours: excel where you can (without taking on too much) and enjoy the breaks you've earned (reading, bike rides, journaling).  Be happy that your co-workers are pretty marvelous and that the bike trail and libraries are so close.  Be THRILLED that forecasters are already calling for a snowy winter = lunchtime cross country skiing opportunities! Sincerely, Your self.

slowing down for the sake of staying sane

The weeks following a family funeral, and I feel normal again, whole again.  The grieving still hits sometimes when I tell his story, my breath gets caught in the middle of my throat and I have to stop.  Stop talking and stop walking.  Like a moment of silence that is requested to remember someone who has passed. 

But we’re home again, our four again, with projects that had to be postponed, our To Do List ever growing, but it really is acceptable now.  We do what we are able to, in our time allotted, if we take on too much our quality of life dwindles and we don’t relish time together.  Instead we think of what else we need to take care of.  And there is such peace to be found in that.  I feel like I’ve discovered my philosophers stone of patience.  I’m sure it will wane as the new school year begins with its challenges of a new transition and schedule for each of us, but I can only hope to hold it close right now, cherish it and tend to it.  And trust that glimpses of it will pop up at the times when it’s most needed.

Family tools

Our family and my connection with my children has improved exponentially in the past few months.  I want to say "Why didn't we create this family dynamic before?"  "Why did we waste so much of our and our childrens' precious time living any other way?"  I feel like I've been seeking out regret.   But I believe we are here because of layer upon layer of each of us learning along the way:  Of obstacles to overcome; of time to re-arrange and view with fresh eyes; of realizing that, through working together and careful planning, we can slowly mold the family life we seek out.    'Where Good Ideas Come From' is a marvelous book I read last year.  It details innovation and ways ideas evolve.  An overlooked aspect of good ideas though, is when they hit a dead end; when the technology isn't there to properly support a marvelous invention.  I feel similarly about our family.  Previously we didn't have the right tools yet to give us what we've now grown to appreciate.

Two dogs

I read a quote featured on Fields and Fire's blog that makes my daily choices, when dealing with various situations, much more visceral than I've realized.. I recently ran across a story about a Native American tribal leader describing his own inner struggles.  He said, "There are two dogs inside me.  One of the dogs is mean and evil.  The other dog is good.  The mean dog fights the good dog all the time."  Someone asked him which dog usually wins, and after a moment's reflection, he answered, "The one I feed the most." -Rabbi Harold S. Kushner We make many choices each day to give over our energy, or feed the dogs.  Which dog we decide to feed is a wonderful visual to have pop into my head when I find myself at those crossroads.  Let's just say that the good dog's more plump than the mean and evil dog these days.

Twelve by Twelve suggestion

William Powers book 'Twelve by Twelve' was a pleasure to read this season.  Now that I have to return it to the library for a new reader to discover, I typed out my notes and find this exercise particularly valuable to continue with: "Try the meditation three-times-ten: Breathe in to a slow count of ten, drawing in life and gratitude.  Hold that abundance for another count of ten. Then let your breath out slowly, counting to ten, exhaling any fears, negativity, or resentment, all that inner charcoal. We decide what gets globalized - consumption or compassion; selfishness or solidarity - by how we cultivate the most valuable place of all, our inner acre." And I would love, love, love to consider taking my family on an adventure or two (maybe during hubby's sabbatical in a few years?): www.wwoof.org - help out on a family organic farm during your next vacation, in exchange for room, board, and sustainability skills

lessons from the storm

Hunger takes on a new face when there's no electricity to be had.  That our gas stovetop warmed food up for us felt like such a blessing and even a small portion (we didn't know how much food we'd have to conserve, how long before the grocery stores would be stocked again, etc.) were welcomed and fully enjoyed.  When the sun disappears and the radiators don't spark on, the cold begins to creep into your bones.  You're not thinking about how you should conserve candle power, but rather, how you'll stay warm through the night.  Going to bed early, meant we didn't get the second wave of hunger that comes from being up late watching a movie (which has its own food hankerings associated with it).  Even if our bellies weren't totally satisfied with the amount of food eaten at dinner, it didn't matter.  Staying warm and cozy in bed trumped a rumbling belly that could wait until morning when the space within the house, but outside of bed, started to slowly warm up from the autumn sun.

quiet times -- finally!

It's during times like this, when there are no crazy twists to our days and nights, when I feel like we're gaining ground and not treading water.  When our schedule is mellow, easy day to day, some of the only changes are what's on the menu for that night, or who will be showering. These calm and quiet times allow me to catch up, plan ahead and reflect.  These times are GORGEOUS.  If they could be represented by weather, it would be during a snowstorm (ironically) when yo have no choice but to slow down and enjoy each other's company.  You are 'stuck' (in a beneficial way) where you are, so you immerse yourself in your home and those around you. There are no vehicles to pass inspection, no doctors appointments or flu shots to take care of.  It's just the four of us living our days together.  (It doesn't hurt that hubby has this whole week off from work because of the storm's aftermath.)